Divorce and Remarriage

     Wow, what a hard subject. I really wish that divorce was not as big in our culture as it is. This complicates all lives involved and makes for the necessity to repair damaged relationships. If there are children involved then it hurts more then just the 2 getting divorced. Now I am not saying that divorce is 100% wrong. There are some cases where is would be in the best interest of everyone involved if a divorce happened, but that is in extreme cases.

     Divorce is kind of a last priority for most of the rest of us. Remarrying is also hard because it brings in more people into the family dynamic and further complicates relationships in most cases. There are exceptions and I am so grateful for that. 

     I actually really don't want to focus too much on this subject only because it is a painful thing to see happen in any case. 

Parentals!

     John Wilmot has stated, “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” I believe that we can learn so much from our friend John’s words here. There are so many people in the world shouting at us all of their grand theories about how to be a “wonderful parent”, an “A+ parent” or “the best parent ever!”

     Then there is my friend P.J. O’Rourke who said, “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” I'm not a parent yet so I'm not going to even fake like I know how to properly parent a child. All I can do is tell you all what amazing parents I have. 

     There are different types of parents in the world. On one side there is a permissive parent and on the other there is the authoritarian parent and then there is my parents who are in the middle and just right. Sounds like a "Goldylocks and the 3 Bears" story right. One end is too hot (authoritarian) and the other is too cold (permissive), but what we are shooting for is to be in the middle. How do we do that? Well There is a social scientist named Kohn who has parenting principles that would be great to read about in his book "Unconditional Parenting."

Kohn’s principles of Unconditional Parenting:

1. Be reflective – ultimately, this just asks you to actually think about your parenting style and how your actions impact upon your children when a stressful situation arises. When I’m faced with defiance or conflict with the kids, I tend to only focus on how hard the situation is for me. Self-consciously requiring myself to reflect on my parenting style and the dynamics between my and the kids has helped me immeasurably.
2. Reconsider your requests – this caused me to delve deep. What do I expect of my kids? Is it valid? If I stop expecting or requesting certain behaviours does this mean I’ll lose control? Will I become too permissive? This principle also helped me to lighten up. And I needed to.
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals – At the beginning of his book Kohn asks you to describe the person you’d like your child to grow into. And of course, this doesn’t (or didn’t for me) tend to include words like ‘tidy,’ ‘good,’ ‘punctual,’ ‘compliant.’ Instead, we want our children to be ethical, independent thinkers, self-content, intellectually curious, kind or emotionally strong. When I think about these ‘long-term goals’ for my children, it helps me not sweat the small stuff.
4. Put the relationship first – I clash often with my eldest. Our love for each other is also very fierce. When I can hear a tone of voice creeping in or my manner of speaking change, this precept helps me stop and think about my actions.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act – this was important for me because I’m a performer. I know how to ‘act’ like the fair, thoughtful and patient mother but it is harder for me to stop and before responding, see the situation through my children’s eyes. I do it when I can or when I remember!
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T – how easily this falls by the wayside when I’m dealing with the kids. As Kohn points out, we wouldn’t talk to our friends the way we talk to our children. This really hit home for me.
7. Be authentic –Kohn emphasises the importance of being the same person we are with our friends and spouse, with our children.  It means being honest with your children, honest about your own needs, both emotional and practical. This helps them learn respect for others and to understand the way we all need to work towards balancing each other’s needs. This principle has taught me to apologise to my children and not to expect always to agree with my partner in front of the children.
8. Talk less, ask more –I think I use ‘talk’ to fill up the uncomfortable or scary spaces. Asking questions diffuses my anger and causes me to move to my child’s level. I have found doing this has encouraged more affection and kindness on our parts.
9. Keep their ages in mind – this has helped me expect less and to reframe my expectations for my children in such a way they might understand.
10. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.” -This one concept has really changed the way I view the Abomb’s behaviour and has helped me calm down.
11. Don’t stick to your no’s unnecessarily – now, this has changed my life. I’ve often felt myself to be a ‘no parent’, especially with C as the ‘yes parent’. It’s a tried and true cliché and we definitely succumb. During the week that I read about this, I made myself stop and think about the reasons I had for saying no, every time I uttered it.
12. Don’t be rigid – see also principle 11. This principle has allowed me to be the parent I like more. It has helped me relax and relate to the boys with greater ease and naturalness.

           

The Importance of Dad's

 Pa, this is my enduring name I have for my dad. I call him this all the time and I have no idea where it started. Fathers all over the world are called so many names such as dad, pops, old man, daddy and padre. No matter what they are called the dad’s in the home have such a profound impact that major studies have been executed and articles written and criticized to determine the real role that a father plays in a family.

             One such article that I just loved was written by Jeffrey Rosenberg and Bradford Wilcox from the Office on Child Abuse and Neglect, U.S. Children’s Bureau. The article is called “The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children.” In this article they point out 7 points that are the reasons for a father’s involvement; fostering a positive relationship with the children’s mother, spending time with children, nurturing children, disciplining children appropriately, serving as a guide to the outside world, protecting and providing and serving as a positive role model. I would like to talk about a few of those points.

            First off I love the point that they started off with being fostering a positive relationship with the children’s mother. I love how the man’s wife is his number one. It is by far one of the things about my dad that I really admired, how he treated my mom. Because of that I now see how I would like to be treated by men. I was the lucky girl who saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, saw my parents go through trials, but get through them together and I witnessed the quiet acts of service for each other that my parents loved to perform for each other. It has been told that how a man treats his wife effects how his sons treat women and how their daughters expect to be treated by men. What a huge role!

            Second is also vital; spending time with their children. A very wise man named Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e.” Yes the view on motherhood is that the woman is in charge of the child’s nurturing and growth, but without the father there as an active participant then the child may feel feelings of neglect, not enough attention and unappreciated. Time with a father is such a special time. A healthy relationship with a father will improve the child’s self-worth and their feeling of being wanted. At least that is how I have felt with my own dad.

            Another great point is disciplining children appropriately. Now, this point is actually dependent upon the type of father. If the mother and father are united on how to discipline the child and how often then it can be very effective. If there are two parents united on one front then it sets the standard for the child and helps them understand their boundaries.

            Ok, let’s move onto being a guide to the outside world. Oh man, is this one underestimated! So kids, they don’t know anything about the world around them. They are like sponges or so I have heard them compared to and they are looking all around them to see what they determine as appropriate, praised, bad and not important. Dads are so vital because look at the world around you now; turn on the T.V. and you will see Victoria Secret and Budweiser commercials, you talk to kids at school and they are confused and lost themselves, you listen to the music and it’s filled with filth and degradation. Dads can take all of these things and teach what to stay away from and what to shoot for. The world doesn’t have to be a totally bad and corruptible place, but you do have to know where to look. I know that my dad provided me with eye opening experiences and worked with me to be able to see the good in the world and how we have the power to help those who are lost.

            Protecting and providing is the next characteristic of a father on our list. I know that there are Mr. Mom’s out there and I’m so not putting them down, but there is just something so attractive about a man who knows how to work hard. Kids need this influence and they also need to feel safe. They actually have a right to feel safe. This role as a father being the one to help those kids feel safe is so vital because it helps them grow and live in an environment that is best suited to their needs. Not only does The Proclamation to the World state that a fathers role is to protect and provide, but society as a whole has adapted to this as far back as we can record.

            The last thing I want to point out is how a father can be a positive role model for their children. If you ask most kids who they want to be like when they grow up they will say mommy or daddy. There is just something about your dad that seems superhuman. They are your hero’s because of who they are. As the child grows this phenomena doesn’t really go away. You may see your dad’s flaws, but they are still that super hero that you always knew.

            How important are father’s? They are irreplaceable. They provide the things that are all listed above and so much more including a best friend, a camping buddy, a horse, a professional tucker inner, ext. There is no dispute, dad’s everywhere, no matter what they are called, are one in a million. Especially my Pa.

Family Communication

Having Family Counsels!

Mom: How was school today honey?

Kid: Good.

Mom: Did you learn anything new?

Kid: Not really.

Mom: How are you feeling?

Kid: Fine.

Mom: Ok, well dinner is almost ready. Are you hungry?

Kid: Yah.

     I know this conversation has taken place in millions of homes on planet earth just today alone! The depth is astonishing and the message clear as mud. Communication has always been a big part of my life growing up because my parents are really into it. Whenever there was contention or something that needed to be talked about my parents were not shy about it and we would all be in the family room and just talk. And every Sunday we would have something called "Family Counsel." 

     This was a time where we each said what our schedules looked like that week and if we needed one of the family members help. We were also encouraged to voice our opinions on the families plans and also what we thought we could do better that week. It wasn't at all like sitting in a circle singing coombyah or anything, but it was a good time for each family member to have their voice heard and the conversation that happened above didn't occur. 

     Now this does not mean that as teenagers my sisters and I always cooperated with my parents during family counsel time, but it paid off. I promise you the same! It totally brought us together, kept us all organized and each voice was heard. 

Dealing With Stress In a Family

     Awe, who doesn't love a good old bout of stress every now and again? I know that I always kneel down at night and my prayers sound something like this, "Wow, so today wasn't really too bad. Tomorrow let's kick it up a notch ok. Let's make it a level 10 day tomorrow." (by the way that what I have said thus far is called sarcasm and it is all a bunch of bunk!)

     The most important thing is to keep in balance. As the stress side of the scale is weighed down then we need to add something to the coping side to balance it out. In a family unit the stressors might be siblings fighting and the coping side might have to be communicating feelings or playing a board game as a family. As long as we strive to keep that scale in balance then our families will do the same. 

Sexual Intimacy

How It Effects The Family

     So, sexual intimacy....this needs to be said and it actually doesn't need to be discussed in either an awkward or nasty way. I learned something from one of my professors, Ross Baron, that this may be an act that can actually bring you closer to God. Let me explain.

     God is the almighty creator right? We, as His children, are given many opportunities, but He did limit our power. We are not able to create a rain drop. We can not create something out of absolutely nothing. We can not even create something as small as a snowflake, but miraculously, God has allowed us the honor of creating human life. A living, breathing soul is created by a man and a woman through sexual intimacy. We can create something that is most precious to God and therefor we must NEVER take it lightly. We marvel at the work of God creating Adam and Eve, but are we not also responsible for creating human life and then to help that child grow to be miraculous? This is a gift given to us by God and we should never abuse such power

Below  is a picture  of my best friends new baby. In this picture she is only 2 days old. As I held her I just couldn't help staring at her and thinking that only a short while ago she was in the presence of her Heavenly Father. She deserves a wonderful life. This is how sexual intimacy effects the family.

       

Why Are We Spending More Time Planning The Wedding

Than The Marriage? Transition In!

      Ever since I was old enough to know what boys were I understood the basic rules and facts of life like boys are gross because they fart, burp and spit. Then I grew older and my teenage hormones effected my eyes drastically to make these disturbing features seem not so important and I really started liking the male race...especially the ones that looked like Zack Morris from "Saved By The Bell." But that is just it...did men suddenly stop farting, burping or spitting? Of course not! 

     And girls are totally bizarre to boys because we love to shop, play dress up and take forever to get ready and gussied up. When we grow older do these traits stop? No! But when we are dating these things are not the things that are right up in your face. You see their drop dead gorgeous smile and their charm. Then you get engaged.....

     That is when the girl whips our her wedding scrapbook that she has been keeping locked in her mind until that moment and she spends the next weeks to months planning every detail about that special day. But in that lies the problem; it is only one day! There will be huge transitions from the single life to marital bliss like dealing with the small stuff like shopping and farts to the big stuff like your finances and planning for kids. I know that it may not be the most romantic date you have ever been on, but in order for this transition into married life to be a smooth one then plan a date where you talk about your peeves, your plans and your goal. Make this easier on yourself!

     And of course the best way to make this transition the best is to involve God in every step. Let your connection to Him help bind you both together and become stronger. That is what will make a marriage something extraordinary! 

Marriage, Are You Ready?

     "It seems to me that some people spend more time planning the wedding then they do their marriage." John Bytheway said that. How many times have we seen that? The wedding only lasts a day, but you marriage should last forever. So why do we put all of the time and energy before the wedding day into that one day and not plan for all the days that follow that?
     But how in the world do we prepare for marriage? I am going to be taking some pointers from a talk given by Kenneth W. Matheson titled "But I Thought Husbands Took Out The Garbage!" In it he says that the following are needed for a successful marriage;
1. Before trying to reconcile expectations, recognize that not all differences are bad. 

2. A useful way to clarify expectation is to write them down. List expectations according their importance.
3. Identify those expectations that you will not change.
4. After you and your sweetheart have prepared your lists, discuss them positively. As you talk, ask yourself the following questions: Are you as interested in understanding what he or she has to say as you are in explaining yourself? Do you view many of your expectations as flexible? Do you understand that expectations in such a discussion are not demands? Remember that even serious differences in many expectations can be worked out.
     Now these are just a few things that were sugested in this talk and I recommend reading the rest of it, but I just want to make something clear before I end. All of my previous blog posts have been about keeping marriage a sacred thing. Do not treat it cheaply or disregard it. It is not to be treated as anything, but the most valued possession. In order make sure that that possession stays beautiful we must prepare for it.

Kenneth W. Matheson's full talk

The Controversy of Gender

     Here is a riddle for you: A father and son got in a car accident together and were rushed to the hospital. They were put in an adjoining room with a curtain running down the middle. The son needed to have surgery and when the doctors came into the room one spoke up and said, "I can't operate on him, he is my son." How can this be?

     With this entry I might lose some people, but I want to speak up on it anyway. Before we go any further I want you all to know that I believe that gender is a huge determination about the structure of a human being. I believe that God does NOT make mistakes and that the way you were born is how you were born and that was no mistake. God didn't just slip up a couple of times or get sloppy. If we believe that God is truly a perfect being then you were made how He wanted you to be. 

     I also strongly and firmly believe in loving everyone no matter what. I believe in loving the sinner and hating the sin. Do not assume or take from this that I am an extremist or a hater of anybody. There are questions that I just don't have the answer for like why some people are attracted to their same gender, but I know that marriage should be between a man and a woman. 

     There is also big questions about girls that are tom-boys and guys that are feminine. Well in one of my classes my professor asked the girls to list out some things that they want in their ideal man. The list included things like; sensitive, caring, creative, passionate, well dressed and compassionate. Well to me that sounded a lot like some men claiming to be feminine or even gay. There is nothing wrong with any of these traits, in fact they are what attracts women to men.
      My professor also has been confronted by gay couples that say, "Why do you even care how we live, it's not like it's effecting anybody else!" fududududududuh! For every gay man couple there are 2 women in the world that will be robbed of the experience of being loved by her husband, to have children and to grow old with her family. What a sad consequence. Even though I do not wish to trample on anybody's beliefs or rights I will not apologize for my view that gender was given to us as a gift from God and that it is a part of us. 

     I will not look down on those who have a difference of opinion then me and I only wish to be treated with the same respect.

Answer to the riddle: The doctor was the boys mother. If you had a hard time figuring this out it is because your brain wouldn't let you figure that the doctor was a woman. What does this have to do with gender roles? Everything! Just because we are different genders doesn't mean we are not equal. On things like our careers it doesn't matter with gender, but in life we need each other. We need each other to survive, to grow, to learn and to continue life. So so important!!!

Battle of the Classes

     Oh how I hate this frame of mind...Societies Classes. You have the rich, the poor, the upper middle class, the lower middle class. Ok, aren't we trying to leave high school back in our awkward teenage years? Why do grown ups still go for the whole "click" mentality; these are the jocks, these are the nerds, these are the popular. Gross! So I totally get that people make different amounts of money and that makes it so we all live different styles of life, but aren't people turning the world upside down trying to make it so we are all the same? Why should social classes be different. 

     How I see it is that we are all God's children and we will stand before Him according to Revelation 20:12 "And I saw the dead, small and great, stand before God; and the books were opened: and another book was opened, which is the book of life: and the dead were judged out of those things which were written in the books, according to their works." 

     I will admit that we all have different likes, dislikes and styles of living, but the fact is is that we can all mingle together. I'm not talking about mingling; the type where the rich go and feed the poor and do their service project for the year at Thanksgiving, but where we connect with one another. Go start up a conversation with someone, go put yourself out there. DO SOMETHING!!!

     I'm not telling you guys to go do something that I have never done. I served a mission for my church in the great state of New Jersey for 18 months where I talked and taught people from all over the social ladder and guess what, I could connect with each of them. Strange right?! I continue to practice this now that I'm home in Idaho and I have never been happier because I realize that I am not alone. No matter where you sit on this invisible ladder, connect with others and that ladder won't seem to matter so much any more.

Compared to a What?

Don't you just love comparisons? We use them every day like when you taste something delicious and you say "This tastes just like Grandma's cooking!" or when you tell your sister she is lookin' like Sarah Jessica Parker in the dress. Just like all of these the family can be compared to so many things, but why would we want to compare the family to anything at all? 

     Well, I thought the exact same thing when one of my professors in collage asked us to write a whole paper comparing the family to a working unit. I racked my brain thinking of things like a baking cookies where dad is the flour, mom is the sugar and my sisters are the nuts....I of course was the chocolate chips. 

     But none of these seemed to fit. Well I decided on a Christmas tree, why? Because I LOVE Christmas!!! My dad was the actual tree being the firm guy he is, my mom was the angel on top watching over all of us, one of my sisters was the lights providing the glow in our family and my other sister was the ornaments because she is can be so different but she sets the mood for the whole family. I was the presents...just because I love them.

     So what did this prove? Well as I dove deeper into what each person in my family does to contribute to our family I realized that not only are each persons contributions vital, they also provide essential "breaths of life" if you will to our individual family unit. If the family is truly a working unit then it has the potential to be a total rock in society as well as for the individuals in that family. Let me ask you, your family is compared to a what?

Not Tarnished!

     Ok, I'm going to be totally honest with you guys, this is my first blog and I really don't know what I'm doing yet, but what I do know is that I have a definite opinion about the family. We always talk about "the family" like it's more of an object then a unit, but I actually want to take a look at it at that angle for a second. 

     I do want to say first that I am a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints and I will be quoting many members of my faith such as the document at the top of my blog titled, "The Family: A Proclamation To The World."  But I will also quote those not of my faith as well. 

     Having said that, I would like to share a quote from F. Burton Howard who is a member of the Quorum of the 70 meaning he is one of the leaders in the LDS church. Concerning marriage he said, "If you want something to last forever, you treat it differently. You shield it and protect it. You never about it. You don't expose it to the elements. You don't make it common or ordinary. If it ever becomes tarnished, you lovingly polish it until it gleams like new. It becomes special because you have made it so, and it grows more beautiful and precious as time goes by." 

     I love this comparison to marriage. Too often in today's society we see marriage as something cheep and easily disposable. But the family is too precious of a unit to become so belittled and so tarnished with these labels. Instead we need to change our view point. Let's start to look at the family as something worthy of fighting for.

 F. Burton Howard's full talk
The Family: A Proclamation to the World