Divorce and Remarriage

     Wow, what a hard subject. I really wish that divorce was not as big in our culture as it is. This complicates all lives involved and makes for the necessity to repair damaged relationships. If there are children involved then it hurts more then just the 2 getting divorced. Now I am not saying that divorce is 100% wrong. There are some cases where is would be in the best interest of everyone involved if a divorce happened, but that is in extreme cases.

     Divorce is kind of a last priority for most of the rest of us. Remarrying is also hard because it brings in more people into the family dynamic and further complicates relationships in most cases. There are exceptions and I am so grateful for that. 

     I actually really don't want to focus too much on this subject only because it is a painful thing to see happen in any case. 

Parentals!

     John Wilmot has stated, “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” I believe that we can learn so much from our friend John’s words here. There are so many people in the world shouting at us all of their grand theories about how to be a “wonderful parent”, an “A+ parent” or “the best parent ever!”

     Then there is my friend P.J. O’Rourke who said, “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” I'm not a parent yet so I'm not going to even fake like I know how to properly parent a child. All I can do is tell you all what amazing parents I have. 

     There are different types of parents in the world. On one side there is a permissive parent and on the other there is the authoritarian parent and then there is my parents who are in the middle and just right. Sounds like a "Goldylocks and the 3 Bears" story right. One end is too hot (authoritarian) and the other is too cold (permissive), but what we are shooting for is to be in the middle. How do we do that? Well There is a social scientist named Kohn who has parenting principles that would be great to read about in his book "Unconditional Parenting."

Kohn’s principles of Unconditional Parenting:

1. Be reflective – ultimately, this just asks you to actually think about your parenting style and how your actions impact upon your children when a stressful situation arises. When I’m faced with defiance or conflict with the kids, I tend to only focus on how hard the situation is for me. Self-consciously requiring myself to reflect on my parenting style and the dynamics between my and the kids has helped me immeasurably.
2. Reconsider your requests – this caused me to delve deep. What do I expect of my kids? Is it valid? If I stop expecting or requesting certain behaviours does this mean I’ll lose control? Will I become too permissive? This principle also helped me to lighten up. And I needed to.
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals – At the beginning of his book Kohn asks you to describe the person you’d like your child to grow into. And of course, this doesn’t (or didn’t for me) tend to include words like ‘tidy,’ ‘good,’ ‘punctual,’ ‘compliant.’ Instead, we want our children to be ethical, independent thinkers, self-content, intellectually curious, kind or emotionally strong. When I think about these ‘long-term goals’ for my children, it helps me not sweat the small stuff.
4. Put the relationship first – I clash often with my eldest. Our love for each other is also very fierce. When I can hear a tone of voice creeping in or my manner of speaking change, this precept helps me stop and think about my actions.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act – this was important for me because I’m a performer. I know how to ‘act’ like the fair, thoughtful and patient mother but it is harder for me to stop and before responding, see the situation through my children’s eyes. I do it when I can or when I remember!
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T – how easily this falls by the wayside when I’m dealing with the kids. As Kohn points out, we wouldn’t talk to our friends the way we talk to our children. This really hit home for me.
7. Be authentic –Kohn emphasises the importance of being the same person we are with our friends and spouse, with our children.  It means being honest with your children, honest about your own needs, both emotional and practical. This helps them learn respect for others and to understand the way we all need to work towards balancing each other’s needs. This principle has taught me to apologise to my children and not to expect always to agree with my partner in front of the children.
8. Talk less, ask more –I think I use ‘talk’ to fill up the uncomfortable or scary spaces. Asking questions diffuses my anger and causes me to move to my child’s level. I have found doing this has encouraged more affection and kindness on our parts.
9. Keep their ages in mind – this has helped me expect less and to reframe my expectations for my children in such a way they might understand.
10. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.” -This one concept has really changed the way I view the Abomb’s behaviour and has helped me calm down.
11. Don’t stick to your no’s unnecessarily – now, this has changed my life. I’ve often felt myself to be a ‘no parent’, especially with C as the ‘yes parent’. It’s a tried and true cliché and we definitely succumb. During the week that I read about this, I made myself stop and think about the reasons I had for saying no, every time I uttered it.
12. Don’t be rigid – see also principle 11. This principle has allowed me to be the parent I like more. It has helped me relax and relate to the boys with greater ease and naturalness.

           

The Importance of Dad's

 Pa, this is my enduring name I have for my dad. I call him this all the time and I have no idea where it started. Fathers all over the world are called so many names such as dad, pops, old man, daddy and padre. No matter what they are called the dad’s in the home have such a profound impact that major studies have been executed and articles written and criticized to determine the real role that a father plays in a family.

             One such article that I just loved was written by Jeffrey Rosenberg and Bradford Wilcox from the Office on Child Abuse and Neglect, U.S. Children’s Bureau. The article is called “The Importance of Fathers in the Healthy Development of Children.” In this article they point out 7 points that are the reasons for a father’s involvement; fostering a positive relationship with the children’s mother, spending time with children, nurturing children, disciplining children appropriately, serving as a guide to the outside world, protecting and providing and serving as a positive role model. I would like to talk about a few of those points.

            First off I love the point that they started off with being fostering a positive relationship with the children’s mother. I love how the man’s wife is his number one. It is by far one of the things about my dad that I really admired, how he treated my mom. Because of that I now see how I would like to be treated by men. I was the lucky girl who saw mommy kissing Santa Clause, saw my parents go through trials, but get through them together and I witnessed the quiet acts of service for each other that my parents loved to perform for each other. It has been told that how a man treats his wife effects how his sons treat women and how their daughters expect to be treated by men. What a huge role!

            Second is also vital; spending time with their children. A very wise man named Dieter F. Uchtdorf said, “In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e.” Yes the view on motherhood is that the woman is in charge of the child’s nurturing and growth, but without the father there as an active participant then the child may feel feelings of neglect, not enough attention and unappreciated. Time with a father is such a special time. A healthy relationship with a father will improve the child’s self-worth and their feeling of being wanted. At least that is how I have felt with my own dad.

            Another great point is disciplining children appropriately. Now, this point is actually dependent upon the type of father. If the mother and father are united on how to discipline the child and how often then it can be very effective. If there are two parents united on one front then it sets the standard for the child and helps them understand their boundaries.

            Ok, let’s move onto being a guide to the outside world. Oh man, is this one underestimated! So kids, they don’t know anything about the world around them. They are like sponges or so I have heard them compared to and they are looking all around them to see what they determine as appropriate, praised, bad and not important. Dads are so vital because look at the world around you now; turn on the T.V. and you will see Victoria Secret and Budweiser commercials, you talk to kids at school and they are confused and lost themselves, you listen to the music and it’s filled with filth and degradation. Dads can take all of these things and teach what to stay away from and what to shoot for. The world doesn’t have to be a totally bad and corruptible place, but you do have to know where to look. I know that my dad provided me with eye opening experiences and worked with me to be able to see the good in the world and how we have the power to help those who are lost.

            Protecting and providing is the next characteristic of a father on our list. I know that there are Mr. Mom’s out there and I’m so not putting them down, but there is just something so attractive about a man who knows how to work hard. Kids need this influence and they also need to feel safe. They actually have a right to feel safe. This role as a father being the one to help those kids feel safe is so vital because it helps them grow and live in an environment that is best suited to their needs. Not only does The Proclamation to the World state that a fathers role is to protect and provide, but society as a whole has adapted to this as far back as we can record.

            The last thing I want to point out is how a father can be a positive role model for their children. If you ask most kids who they want to be like when they grow up they will say mommy or daddy. There is just something about your dad that seems superhuman. They are your hero’s because of who they are. As the child grows this phenomena doesn’t really go away. You may see your dad’s flaws, but they are still that super hero that you always knew.

            How important are father’s? They are irreplaceable. They provide the things that are all listed above and so much more including a best friend, a camping buddy, a horse, a professional tucker inner, ext. There is no dispute, dad’s everywhere, no matter what they are called, are one in a million. Especially my Pa.

Family Communication

Having Family Counsels!

Mom: How was school today honey?

Kid: Good.

Mom: Did you learn anything new?

Kid: Not really.

Mom: How are you feeling?

Kid: Fine.

Mom: Ok, well dinner is almost ready. Are you hungry?

Kid: Yah.

     I know this conversation has taken place in millions of homes on planet earth just today alone! The depth is astonishing and the message clear as mud. Communication has always been a big part of my life growing up because my parents are really into it. Whenever there was contention or something that needed to be talked about my parents were not shy about it and we would all be in the family room and just talk. And every Sunday we would have something called "Family Counsel." 

     This was a time where we each said what our schedules looked like that week and if we needed one of the family members help. We were also encouraged to voice our opinions on the families plans and also what we thought we could do better that week. It wasn't at all like sitting in a circle singing coombyah or anything, but it was a good time for each family member to have their voice heard and the conversation that happened above didn't occur. 

     Now this does not mean that as teenagers my sisters and I always cooperated with my parents during family counsel time, but it paid off. I promise you the same! It totally brought us together, kept us all organized and each voice was heard. 

Dealing With Stress In a Family

     Awe, who doesn't love a good old bout of stress every now and again? I know that I always kneel down at night and my prayers sound something like this, "Wow, so today wasn't really too bad. Tomorrow let's kick it up a notch ok. Let's make it a level 10 day tomorrow." (by the way that what I have said thus far is called sarcasm and it is all a bunch of bunk!)

     The most important thing is to keep in balance. As the stress side of the scale is weighed down then we need to add something to the coping side to balance it out. In a family unit the stressors might be siblings fighting and the coping side might have to be communicating feelings or playing a board game as a family. As long as we strive to keep that scale in balance then our families will do the same. 

Sexual Intimacy

How It Effects The Family

     So, sexual intimacy....this needs to be said and it actually doesn't need to be discussed in either an awkward or nasty way. I learned something from one of my professors, Ross Baron, that this may be an act that can actually bring you closer to God. Let me explain.

     God is the almighty creator right? We, as His children, are given many opportunities, but He did limit our power. We are not able to create a rain drop. We can not create something out of absolutely nothing. We can not even create something as small as a snowflake, but miraculously, God has allowed us the honor of creating human life. A living, breathing soul is created by a man and a woman through sexual intimacy. We can create something that is most precious to God and therefor we must NEVER take it lightly. We marvel at the work of God creating Adam and Eve, but are we not also responsible for creating human life and then to help that child grow to be miraculous? This is a gift given to us by God and we should never abuse such power

Below  is a picture  of my best friends new baby. In this picture she is only 2 days old. As I held her I just couldn't help staring at her and thinking that only a short while ago she was in the presence of her Heavenly Father. She deserves a wonderful life. This is how sexual intimacy effects the family.

       

Why Are We Spending More Time Planning The Wedding

Than The Marriage? Transition In!

      Ever since I was old enough to know what boys were I understood the basic rules and facts of life like boys are gross because they fart, burp and spit. Then I grew older and my teenage hormones effected my eyes drastically to make these disturbing features seem not so important and I really started liking the male race...especially the ones that looked like Zack Morris from "Saved By The Bell." But that is just it...did men suddenly stop farting, burping or spitting? Of course not! 

     And girls are totally bizarre to boys because we love to shop, play dress up and take forever to get ready and gussied up. When we grow older do these traits stop? No! But when we are dating these things are not the things that are right up in your face. You see their drop dead gorgeous smile and their charm. Then you get engaged.....

     That is when the girl whips our her wedding scrapbook that she has been keeping locked in her mind until that moment and she spends the next weeks to months planning every detail about that special day. But in that lies the problem; it is only one day! There will be huge transitions from the single life to marital bliss like dealing with the small stuff like shopping and farts to the big stuff like your finances and planning for kids. I know that it may not be the most romantic date you have ever been on, but in order for this transition into married life to be a smooth one then plan a date where you talk about your peeves, your plans and your goal. Make this easier on yourself!

     And of course the best way to make this transition the best is to involve God in every step. Let your connection to Him help bind you both together and become stronger. That is what will make a marriage something extraordinary!