Parentals!

     John Wilmot has stated, “Before I got married I had six theories about raising children; now, I have six children and no theories.” I believe that we can learn so much from our friend John’s words here. There are so many people in the world shouting at us all of their grand theories about how to be a “wonderful parent”, an “A+ parent” or “the best parent ever!”

     Then there is my friend P.J. O’Rourke who said, “Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.” I'm not a parent yet so I'm not going to even fake like I know how to properly parent a child. All I can do is tell you all what amazing parents I have. 

     There are different types of parents in the world. On one side there is a permissive parent and on the other there is the authoritarian parent and then there is my parents who are in the middle and just right. Sounds like a "Goldylocks and the 3 Bears" story right. One end is too hot (authoritarian) and the other is too cold (permissive), but what we are shooting for is to be in the middle. How do we do that? Well There is a social scientist named Kohn who has parenting principles that would be great to read about in his book "Unconditional Parenting."

Kohn’s principles of Unconditional Parenting:

1. Be reflective – ultimately, this just asks you to actually think about your parenting style and how your actions impact upon your children when a stressful situation arises. When I’m faced with defiance or conflict with the kids, I tend to only focus on how hard the situation is for me. Self-consciously requiring myself to reflect on my parenting style and the dynamics between my and the kids has helped me immeasurably.
2. Reconsider your requests – this caused me to delve deep. What do I expect of my kids? Is it valid? If I stop expecting or requesting certain behaviours does this mean I’ll lose control? Will I become too permissive? This principle also helped me to lighten up. And I needed to.
3. Keep your eye on your long-term goals – At the beginning of his book Kohn asks you to describe the person you’d like your child to grow into. And of course, this doesn’t (or didn’t for me) tend to include words like ‘tidy,’ ‘good,’ ‘punctual,’ ‘compliant.’ Instead, we want our children to be ethical, independent thinkers, self-content, intellectually curious, kind or emotionally strong. When I think about these ‘long-term goals’ for my children, it helps me not sweat the small stuff.
4. Put the relationship first – I clash often with my eldest. Our love for each other is also very fierce. When I can hear a tone of voice creeping in or my manner of speaking change, this precept helps me stop and think about my actions.
5. Change how you see, not just how you act – this was important for me because I’m a performer. I know how to ‘act’ like the fair, thoughtful and patient mother but it is harder for me to stop and before responding, see the situation through my children’s eyes. I do it when I can or when I remember!
6. R-E-S-P-E-C-T – how easily this falls by the wayside when I’m dealing with the kids. As Kohn points out, we wouldn’t talk to our friends the way we talk to our children. This really hit home for me.
7. Be authentic –Kohn emphasises the importance of being the same person we are with our friends and spouse, with our children.  It means being honest with your children, honest about your own needs, both emotional and practical. This helps them learn respect for others and to understand the way we all need to work towards balancing each other’s needs. This principle has taught me to apologise to my children and not to expect always to agree with my partner in front of the children.
8. Talk less, ask more –I think I use ‘talk’ to fill up the uncomfortable or scary spaces. Asking questions diffuses my anger and causes me to move to my child’s level. I have found doing this has encouraged more affection and kindness on our parts.
9. Keep their ages in mind – this has helped me expect less and to reframe my expectations for my children in such a way they might understand.
10. “Attribute to children the best possible motive consistent with the facts.” -This one concept has really changed the way I view the Abomb’s behaviour and has helped me calm down.
11. Don’t stick to your no’s unnecessarily – now, this has changed my life. I’ve often felt myself to be a ‘no parent’, especially with C as the ‘yes parent’. It’s a tried and true cliché and we definitely succumb. During the week that I read about this, I made myself stop and think about the reasons I had for saying no, every time I uttered it.
12. Don’t be rigid – see also principle 11. This principle has allowed me to be the parent I like more. It has helped me relax and relate to the boys with greater ease and naturalness.